Seeing Red

A typical checklist for a big event goes something like this:
Pretty new clothes
Fabulous hair cut
Flattering makeup
Sexy shoes
Bloody zombie-esque eye
New jewelry

Now I gather that most people don't stock up on each of these items before a big day; some people already have the great hair, or the perfect makeup, but it's hard to find the bloody eye. Thankfully I acquired one before both of my events that required good looks; my wedding and my one humorous attempt at American Idol (a blog to follow this confession that I swore I would take to my grave to come shortly). It went down like so:

Five days before the wedding:
Jarom and I are sitting in our Italian Language class joking around. Something strikes me as extremely funny, in fact so funny that I bang my head with excessive gusto against the wall behind me when I throw back my head to get out a really good laugh. After seeing stars for a second I groan an "owww" which of course Jarom finds hilarious.

Four days before the wedding:
In Nordstom's I am viewing the jewelry counter, looking for a gorgeous bracelet or earrings to wear with my wedding dress. As I look down Jarom gasps loudly and says, "What is on your eye!?"
"What do you mean, what is on my eye?" I ask panicked
"There's...like...blood, on your eye..." Jarom answers, his face contorted in fear and intrigue. I can tell that even though this freaks him out, he also thinks it's kinda cool.
I look in the mirror but don't see anything, although I now notice that my eye feels like there is a small grain of sand when I close it. Jarom gently pulls up on my eyelid and reveals what he's just discovered. A bloody massive hemorrhage on my eyeball that looks like my eye has exploded from the inside out. Shoot!
"What is that?" I ask in a heightened whisper, then draw attention by crying. "Get it off!"

When I arrive home I quickly call the doctors and set up an appointment. The next day is the earliest I can get in and I'm sure I am dying slowly while I wait to see someone. The rest of the day is spent staring into the mirror while mentally composing my will. Mozart's "requiem for a dream" is playing hauntingly in the background for my tragic demise.

Three days before the wedding:
In the doctor's office Dr. so and so informs me that I am not in fact dying, but rather I have sustained my gory eye from a head injury.
"Have you been hit in the head?" He asks, while eying Jarom who is looking baffled.
"No." I answer.
"You haven't had any blunt trauma to the head?" He coaxes again.
Ah, now I remember. I guess slamming my head into the wall would count, but I'm certainly not going to admit that. How does one admit that after laughing like a wild hyena they slammed their head into the wall with enough force that it broke a blood vessel, without looking like an idiot? Better to remain silent.
"Nope." I respond.
Jarom moves to interrupt and offer my embarrassing moment as an explanation for my crazy eye that is now becoming more visible by the hour. I reward him with an icy bloody stare that would send chills to the most stout hearted, since it now is the epitome of the evil eye in it's finest. A baby cries on the next room.
I then ask in order to change the subject, "How long will it take to go away?"
"Well," he answers, "it should start moving down the eye and eventually be absorbed back into the body. It will be totally gone in about five days"
Excuse me, I'm getting married in three...

Day of wedding:
My eye has absorbed most of the blood, but just like the good doctor said I have specks of blood that have moseyed on down to visible level, and my eye is now pink with yellow and red spots. Classy. Thankfully you can't tell in my pictures except that one of my eyes looks a bit dark. I prefer to think that I'm brooding in those pictures... in one eye...

Dealing with guests is a bit different. Most people expect a bright eyed bride, not a bright red eyed bride. Most of the day is spent talking to people who don't know me but look cross-eyed at my frightening eye as we converse than back away slowly as they leave. I'm sure they fear that I have picked up a new form of rabies and don't want to turn their back on me. For the first time in my life I wish I had a gigantic chest so there was something else for them to look at while we talk. Unfortunately I don't and I must resist the urge to bite people.

Since this blog is getting long I will cut to the chase on the American Idol story:

First- you know that myth about closing your eyes when you sneeze and how your eyeballs will pop out if you keep them open? It's true. I am proof.

Five days before Jarom and I drove down to San Francisco for American Idol, I made the mistake of driving on a windy freeway when I had to sneeze. I was afraid that in the four seconds it took to sneeze someone would slam on their breaks and I would ultimately die in a car wreck. So instead of closing my eyes like a proper person, I kept them a crack open and went to town with my sneeze. Disaster averted I arrived to work safely only to discover in the bathroom at work that my eye had exploded this time in a very visible spot. Oh fabulous!



Needless to say, the lady who judged me was frightened, I did not make American Idol and I received stares for 2 weeks until this stubborn explosion disappeared. So as a friendly reminder I leave with you two words of advice:
Don't sneeze with your eyes open
If you must throw your head back when you laugh please make sure that you are in an open area where head banging will not occur.

Good luck.