Fuzzy

So the other day I decided that it was time to do a little waxing to my upper lip. Before you go gagging into the bathroom I want to explain that I don't have a stash, just a little peach fuzz that bothers me. As I was waxing it reminded me of the first time I tried this out...

My sophomore year in college I was browsing the makeup and lotion aisle of my local Albertson's when I saw a little box with a very chipper woman on it. Sugar wax, it said. I figured anything that featured a smiling, partially nude, very smooth woman couldn't do anything but help for me, so I bought it. Intending to do a little maintenance to my face and maybe if I was feeling optimistic I would finish off with my legs, I warmed the wax up in the microwave when I got home. The box said 10 seconds, but when I looked inside the container it didn't look as if the wax was warm enough, so I added another 15 seconds more. Big mistake. For any of you have waxed before, you will know that wax goes from lukewarm to thermal nuclear hot under the deceptive surface within 5 seconds over the suggested time. You can imagine how hot 15 seconds got it.

Daintily I dipped the applicator stick into the wax and swirled it around marveling at how such thin wax would make me as hairless as Ms. Tropicana or Ms. Coppertone. Now I understand that wax that thin is dangerously, dangerously hot- which would have been nice to know before I applied the bottled lava to my lip.

"Sweet merciful!" I screamed as the wax burned two layers of skin off my face. Hearing my screams one of my roommates ran to the bathroom.
"What's wrong?" She asked through the door in a worried voice.
"So, is sugar wax supposed to pull the hair off your body, or burn it off?" I wanted to ask. "Because if it's supposed to do the pulling I have made a drastic mistake" But instead I said with the best imitation of composure, "Nothing, I just burned myself accidentally."
"Ok," she answered and then added as though it were an afterthought, "be careful!"

Bravely I applied the little strip of extra sturdy paper to my scalded lip and than waited a few more moments for the wax to cool down to do the other side. Once I had applied both strips of paper I realized something I had not thought too hard about before. It had to come off and how it was going to come off was going to hurt. Bad.

And, there were two options for that. One, suck it up and rip those suckers off. Or two, continue to live the rest of my life as a jaunty little french man with a boxy white mustache. Looking in the mirror I wiggled my nose to make the mustache dance around on my face. Yes... It was possible.

However, fifteen minutes later (and with a full repartee of faces and expressions that included one silent film act a la Charlie Chaplain, and a silent film villain complete with a devious mustache twirling action) I had decided it must come off if I was ever to get married, courted, a job, some sort of male friend, etc. Bracing myself I gripped an unattached end and pulled with all my might.

Two minutes later when I awoke off the floor I could see the damage: One very red lip, with the majority of my hair still attached but not the skin.

Bracing myself, I ripped off the other side, balancing myself against the counter so I wouldn't fall to the floor in agony. Looking in the mirror I noticed something new. Now not only did I have a new little red mustache, but I looked like a pubescent boy with a scraggly mexi-stash. Excellent. So eight bucks, 2 inches of skin, and a half an hour later with the use of tweezers I finally had the smooth appearance I was looking for.

I am happy to say that a few tries later I figured it out. But I have a few suggestion for the beginners:
1) When the bottle says 10 seconds, it means 10 seconds.
2) if at all possible be sitting on a counter or a chair, or whatever, when you do this, or at least cushion the floor with a thick layer of pillows. (helps with the bruising)
3) Unless you are paranoid like me or your hair line has gone exploring, just let it be, let it be.
4) fast is better than slow.
5) mustaches are actually coming back, look at Kip from Napoleon Dynamite, plus there is the example of Magnum P.I., cops, or your great-great-great grandma from Russia. Somebody loved her too.